It’s been a month since the last chapter and as you can probably imagine from the
size of the gap – there has been a lot going on (a few things of which I’ll
obviously tell you about as the chapter progresses) – but my overriding feeling
at the moment comes down to one simple phrase – “stick or twist”. I mentioned a
few chapters ago that I felt I was at a crossroads but I just didn’t know what
the options actually were to take. Well the update now is that I’m fairly sure
I do know what the options are and they are quite simple – “stick or twist”. You’ll
be pleased to know however (sarcasm) that the big “reveal” moment of these
options has probably left me more confused than ever before. 
On top of
that - this is the last chapter I’ll write before I turn 30 – and whilst that
doesn’t phase me, the idea of turning 30 is really beginning to get to me. I
know that I won’t feel any different – I’m not scared of that – but what I’m
realising is that when I was younger I had a massive list of stuff to do before
I was 30 and there is very little stuff on that list that crossed off
(admittedly one of those things was becoming a member of Bon Jovi). Don’t get
me wrong – I’ve been lucky enough to do loads of other stuff instead, but I
guess what I’m getting at is that I’m realising that time really is short and I
don’t want to waste it. Perhaps that was a subconscious reason to start writing
10 Resolutions in the first place and for me to keep on writing it. Who knows?
But what I do know is that you needn’t worry about making inevitable jokes
about my hair going gray – because it already is.
I finished Chapter 20 by speaking about Detoxtober
and Flik mentioning to me that an awful lot of my stories involve booze (which
was a fair point). To balance the scales I promised to tell you a story from my
younger-person past that isn’t widely known about me (which we will get to in a
minute). Before we get there though - I should mention that thinking about this
has actually given me the realisation that I find it easy to talk about stuff
that should be embarrassing (and there are 100’s of stories left to tell) - yet
really hard to talk about stuff like my fears and things like that. When I
spoke about Ed in Chapter 20
- the thing that I didn’t say when I said that he broke me down was the fact
that he actually had me in tears (on a stag do – luckily there were very few
people around at the time….). Again – he certainly didn’t mean to do it – but
he could see through my “front” and I guess that he could see that something
was hurting me and he called me on it. I honestly can’t remember what it was –
but I find messing around and joking really easy. I don’t find it so easy
talking about stuff that is close to and on my heart. Hopefully over the course
of 10 Resolutions so far you’ll have seen me open up a bit more and my heart change.
I’m still a long way away from where I’d like to be though - which is why
opening up to tell you the story I’m about to tell and how I remember it (bearing in mind it was a long time ago) could be quite important…….
I was 6 years
old and I lived on the Isle of Man. We had a lovely
house on a quiet road and we were a stones throw away from
the beach and from a wood.
There have
been very few times in my life where I have been genuinely terrified – but this
remains to this day one of my strongest memories of fear. The waves started pounding the
path behind us and on reflection now the easiest way to help you visualise what
it was like for me would be running along a road with the road falling away
behind you. We couldn’t turn around because we would be hit by the waves. Our
path behind was blocked off and we could only move forward along the inclining
but continuingly narrowing path. The problem wasn’t that the drop was great -
but that the waves were smashing against the path and if either of us fell in
there was every chance that the waves could push us into the rocks. A few
moments later – Patrick’s foot slipped.
In moments
like that, time really does start working in slow motion. I don’t know why
that’s the case but it’s probably something to do with adrenaline and the way
our minds are wired around fear and stuff.
It felt like I was moving in bullet time in this moment (years before
the Matrix invented it and then ruined it with the sequels that will not be
mentioned) as I reached out and grabbed Patrick's arm. I held on to Patrick with
all my might as he tried to regain his balance on the edge - but he was bigger
than me and my feet started to slip as well. And at that moment a giant wave hit
Patrick and I lost my grip of him.
The wave hit
Patrick first and then I caught the after-effects of it as it pushed me into
the wall. Thankfully, rather than dragging Patrick down, the wave actually
pushed him into the wall as well. Not wanting to hang around or to contemplate
what could have happened we started to move towards the beach again. The waves
kept coming as the path continued, but by this point we had started to properly
look out for each other and to time our movements in relation to the bigger
waves. Eventually though, a completely drenched, relieved and terrified pair of
friends made it to the beach and walked home.
I can’t
remember ever seeing Patrick again after that (or if we did we certainly didn’t
talk about the day again) or what I told my parents to explain how wet I was
(there is wet - and then there is walking around with 20 melted ice caps worth
of water on your person). It was probably a version of the truth (like going to
the beach) but I certainly didn’t tell them everything because I’d have been in
even more trouble and they’d have worried about me and grounded me until my 18th
birthday. The truth though is that I honestly wish I did tell them everything
because I can’t tell you how many times in my life my mind has drifted to those
moments and thought of different outcomes. I guess in a way I’ve been haunted
by it (or at least I was for a while). And that might not have happened if I’d
have had the guts to tell someone about it straight away and to talk it through.
It’s a memory that I’ve kept to myself for far too long and despite it being a
long time ago – it was without question one of the scariest moments of my life.
Don’t get me wrong here – I’ve made peace with it (if that makes sense) but hopefully by
telling you all about it it’ll become a conquered memory – and that can only be
a good thing.
But now- time
to move on and come back to the present.
There are two
things in particular I’d like to tell you about from the last month. Two really
exciting things – so let’s start with the 19th and 20th
October.
Back to
the Homelands
The 19th
October saw Wifey and I heading to Wycombe. But this time not to see the twins
(as they were on a holiday of their own). No this time we headed to Wycombe as
I had a couple of sessions to lead on the Sunday. But that also gave us an
amazing opportunity to catch up with Phil, Rach and baby Caitlin on the Saturday
evening.
Whilst it was
my decision to move away at 18 - I ended up sacrificing the next stage of
adulthood with my oldest friends. Obviously I still see everyone, and will see
them again this weekend (at Dan’s and my 30th party) – but I missed
the majority of “20’s” moments with most of them. I was around for weddings and
birthdays and things, but I wasn’t around for the everyday stuff – like going
round for dinner one night, watching relationships develop (/ fall apart) or
just going to the pub to watch the football. I missed the little things. By
moving away – I sacrificed them. And I think it was Chris and Sam’s wedding that ultimately
reminded me of that. I don’t regret moving – I’ve met some amazing people (one
of whom I’m married to) - but I’m now more determined than ever before to share
life with these people (as hippy / smiley Christian as that may sound). And
that was why it was so amazing to have dinner with Phil and Rach that evening.
It felt normal. It felt great and we had a fantastic time.
I’ve
mentioned a Church called Elim Micklefield before. It’s the Church where Becky Turner’s parents are pastors. I’ve
been there with the band before, but I’ve also been a couple of times without
everyone as well – and on the Sunday morning I went along with Padley who gave an amazing message on the
boy from five loaves and two small fish whilst I led worship with my old friend
Ben Boughton.
Ben
Boughton
Ben was one
of the first people to encourage me to lead worship – but even before that I’d
been around a band with Ben as I’d either drummed or played keys (something we
now laugh about). Ben is an amazing man, a humble man, a fantastic musician and
father and has been a constant stream of encouragement to me for a ridiculous
number of years now (I’m also fairly sure that I didn’t realise that until
recently which also means that I’d taken advantage of it for ages). I think
that one of my favourite things about Ben is the way that he challenges me
(without knowing) – and he has taught me so much about leadership through his
actions than he will ever really know.
That
afternoon the band arrived and we headed to a Church called Christ the Servant King – a Church which
has a very special place in my heart as one of the churches that turned into it
was the church I grew up in and where I met Dan, Phil, Lewis and Chris as well as countless
others. CSK now has a beautiful new building in the heart of the community –
and I was completely honoured to be asked to go back and to lead worship for an
evening (in an event not unlike Seek His Face). And continuing the tradition of
cast lists – there are few people that attended that I’d really like to
introduce you to now:
Mike
Bratby
Mike, like
Ben was one of the first people who encouraged me to lead worship. But before
then he was also instrumental in pushing for letting a young teenager play drums
in Church. I’ve known Mike for most of my life now and one thing that I
completely love about him is how much he respects others – especially young
people – and that is something that is genuinely surprising considering how
much grief Dan and I must have given him over the course of our teenage years.
For years he was my leader and now I’m honoured to be able to call him my
friend. An amazing man.
Nigel
& Carole Flynn
Nigel and
Carole are Dan’s parents – but they are also so much
more than that - because with the exception of my parents they are without question the
two people who had the biggest impact on my life when I was growing up (and
especially throughout teenage-dom). They took me in (FYI - I use the term ‘took
me in’ loosely here as one day I just didn’t leave….), let me become part of
their family (something which ultimately meant that I had the amazing blessing
of having two families watch over me at a time when I needed it most) and
alongside my parents encouraged me to become the man that I am today. I could
say so much about them but I don’t really think I could do them justice so I’ll
just say this. Words cannot describe how thankful I am to have them in my life
- and the love and care they have shown me over the years is only seconded to
my parents. They truly are amazing people and my life would have been so much
less without them in it.
The evening
itself was amazing. It was a tremendous privilege to be asked and the band (I
think at least) were tighter than ever before (which was helpful as I kept nowhere close to the set list). The
band is growing in confidence, and through relationship we are growing
together. I also had the complete joy of having Jo play keys with me. I can’t wait for us
all to play together again and I can’t wait to go back!
Boats,
rings and beer……
The weekend
after the Homelands - Wifey and I jumped on a boat with Leon and Hiya for a 2 night mini cruise to
After
arriving back at port Wifey and I said goodbye to the newly engaged ones and
drove off to Norwich
In other news
- Seek
His Face is growing each month (I definitely get no credit
for that), I’ve started my move to a new Church
(more on that at a later date), I’m now on the executive board of RIVERcamp looking at marketing and
communication (honoured and terrified at the same time), I helped run an Autumn
Fete for the Neuro
Foundation (which raised over £350), I’ve done a couple of shifts at
a Barnardo’s charity shop in Gloucester, Matt and I have started working on his EP
and Arsenal are top of the league (which is unexpected to say the least)!
Because this
chapter has covered a massive period, there are obviously some things that I
haven’t spoken about or I’ve simply glossed over – but don’t worry there are
some things and some people that I will definitely be coming back to. I know
there are gaps – and I’ve still got lots of questions to answer (both from you
and that I’ve posed to myself). But I also get the feeling that this chapter could
have been a bit of a dull read and more for me than for you - and for that I’m really sorry. I really get the
feeling that stuff is brewing (that could also tie in to stick or twist) so the
next few weeks could well be quite exciting. I’ll keep you in the loop. Oh - resolution count in here is 2.....
I’ll just
leave you with this video. It’s fair to say that I had completely welled up by
the end of it.
Please feel
free to keep in touch or send in questions via the Facebook Page, twitter
or email – and please subscribe using the big
white box at the top. Oh and in a few shameless plugs please check out: 1. My Album 2. My
friend Matt’s new
album 3. Oath Clothing
Have fun, God
bless and we will speak soon.
